reBELLEious breaking free~

admiration

2012-01-27T01:13:00.000+08:00

Stop telling me to follow my heart. It once led me to you.

(iwrotethisforyou)

--------------

i dont know what sorcery this is.

the feeling i thought was gone, resurface.

i dont know how the initial admiration turned into something else.

because i keep telling myself
black is black regardless the colour you painted it with.

self control needs more than just perseverance.

eff you with "following my heart"

i've done it so many times and see where it got me

maybe what caught my emotion was when,

your words were circulating inside my head

and that song played at the unexpected moment.

no, they dont correlate. you and that song.

you dont belong together. it was meant for someone else.

please, dont take over my control.

they are my weakest link and i need them badly.

--------------

you told me;

to cross the bridge when you come to it,

because circumstances change.

i hope i get it right when it's time for crossing over.

you're like the newly found treasure, when i lost one.

i'll keep you close regardless how different we may be.

nothingness

2012-01-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

so she sat alone and think how so many things were spoiled. the external force controlling her life like a puppet. she had learned to outgrew it but fail every time. she had wished for everything to be different. she had hoped that it will turn out differently. somehow things never reach other phases and keep falling to the same point over and over again. square one. people said so many things to her. some that pushes her forward, some that comfort her for a while, some that dont give any meaning. maybe she needed that help. maybe what was said to her the other day was true. she's still searching. still looking into the nothingness and hope for something. how long? how many more time needed? how many more pretending? how many more of this? her childhood, her teenage life and now her early adulthood. why cant they get or understand or imply newton's third law?

come some one help to narrate her story cuz whatever force she has now is either pressing her down or directing her into something she is not. what else is there for her?

reminiscing sydney

2012-01-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

when one evening, i decide to browse through my sydney album;

i found this....

I say stupid things, I feel silly and yet somehow that's when I'm most happy,

when I'm with you, being child-like and loving having to be so free.

--------------

a week after meeting you,
i realized that regardless how cliche it went,
i will always be that person who has a soft spot for you
no matter how it turn out to be, either now or the future

those 10 days, i want to relive them again.
fear, happiness, shock, confused, love, friendship.

one blend in short 10 days.

when the other cares

2012-01-20T19:45:00.000+08:00

laughter and smile is always the best cure

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect,

it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

-------------

of the silliness, cloudiness and gloominess,

someone actually ask me,

in the middle of his work, a simple why? :)

that made my day a lot better.

this is how we roll

2012-01-20T19:22:00.001+08:00

my best friend

the most awesome, beautiful person :)

i love you for so many many reasons!

and you now why

--------------

cheers to the one person who i can go goofy with,

raised my voice without her being offended,

understanding my mood swings,

reminding me when it's time to stop,

get crazy like we're living in our own world.

--------------

dinner with the sexy geeta

the pasar malam quest

syikin's wedding

and when being tiny is not an option

for people asked you to sit on their lap

when the car is full -.-

--------------

no matter when, where, what may come,

know that i'll always be there.

Rendezvous in Paris ♥

2012-01-20T18:07:00.002+08:00

the first of many more Annual Nights. we worked our ass off to make it real. owh yeah, i was incharge for the decoration. even though there were many disputes, we managed to pull it off. though i was too tired to take pictures of the decorated hall. im crossing fingers people will upload the photos of the hall :)

--------------

rendezvous means meeting up,

but since France is so far away,

we brought Paris to MMMC students.

i also managed to get my friend rakesh and his friends

to join us during the event. how that happened?

well, lets just say someone is still like the other 23 years old.

the theme for the nite was Paris/masquerade,

which explains the mask they were wearing.

they were really nice and friendly, and cute too, especially vivien.

------------

i cant think of ways to thank him for coming and joining our event.

the excitement and plans and reminders, all worth it.

the awesome person :)

------------

when one chapter ends, another begins ♥

staying and moving

2012-01-20T17:25:00.001+08:00

One doesn't need to have a significant other

to just prove that he has moved on.

That is just ridiculous.

--------------

And one should not have doubt

whether he should stay or go

when he's with someone

cuz wanting is constant if it's real.

juxtaposition

2012-01-20T17:10:00.001+08:00

One maturity is subjective.

But when u asked others to do so

despite your own portraying immaturity,

that doesn't make sense, no?

maybe im not fully matured yet, but my ability to weigh things as compared to you, i took one year to think things through while you just kept running, running until now.

the dream

2012-01-14T11:26:00.000+08:00

You are the dream,

but black will always be black

no matter how many layers of paint used to cover it.

my interest lay low

very low,down in the deepest chamber

but then sunlight comes

and whatever I was trying to hide

become clear as day

with a definitive smile

terukir di bintang

2012-01-14T11:13:00.000+08:00

happy birthday

i'll always be the one person who never forgets

be us against the world

2012-01-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

chester see ♥

more colours and art

2012-01-03T23:20:00.001+08:00

so january started with many artsy stuff

which i love so much.

today, me and alia made this floor piece; rangoli

for our interbatch cultural competition.

my goodness, we were so tensed.

with zero experience and first one hour of disaster,

then shape and texture started to make way

with the help of ain and amy :)

the vibrant colours were from;

henna, sandal powder, rice flour and rangoli powder.

and guess what, we won 3rd!

not bad for 1st timer eyh :)

pretty lights

2012-01-02T22:26:00.000+08:00

blame tumblr for the excitement

the hunt of icicles light one day before Christmas paid off

i now have made one of my dream a reality

much love :)

distractions

2012-01-01T23:42:00.000+08:00

i guess being brave, straight forward and kind

does pay off in the end.

it gives me the distractions i need,

especially after one long lonesome year.

and who would have thought,

it's of the same age, month, sweetness.

and have the same liking.

atypical new year

2012-01-01T19:07:00.000+08:00

what more to write other than new year? true? most of the blogger do. so i want some too :) well, my new year was exceptionally different. maybe the day started normally. went out with friends, lunch, movie and back to hostel. typical. i plan to go watch the fireworks somewhere in the city but naah, i know that it's not going to happen.

so i chose to be with my friend, rakesh. how i got to know him, that's another story. but he invited me to help him out during his night shift. choosing between spending the new year's eve alone in my room and a good company regardless the venue of event, you can guess that it is definitely the latter. why not home with my friends in kl? let's just say being away from kl keeps me happy.

he was clerking a new case when we reached there, me and tas. he smiled. the attending medical officer welcomed us too. most of the patients were cheerful despite being admitted and kept in the ward for new year. to them, it's just like every other day of the year. so we followed him around, helped what we can, discussed the possibilities and reasoning on the progress of the patient.

when the fireworks started, we were at the bed by the window with a patient. the view from the ward was spectacular. we saw 3-4 fireworks at different venues all over the city colourful, clear as day. and he, the sweetest thing, was cheering with the patient showing her the fireworks. we wished every person passing by happy new year. so that' the start of our atypical new year.

the moments passed after a while, the two hands of the clock keep moving pointing at different numbers each time, while patient kept coming in. blood were drawn, canula was set, medicine was given, forms filled, on going clerking, drowsiness and fatigue along the night, chit chatters bout our routines and lives. despite the long hours, we had fun.

that moment when me and tas became tired, he just keep writing

now i know how my life will be in few years time. im not lying when i say doctors sacrifice a lot. there he was on a new year's eve, having a night shift alone, the previous night as well, with one day off afterwards. patients come at any hour, blood sample taken accordingly for investigations, jumping between wards, wishing for the phone to stop ringing and fighting the sleepiness as you go by.

doctors dont work in an office with a very lavish interior and air condition. heck they dont even have a proper desk. they run around, pushing the eerie-noised trolley, not to forget the multiple tedious things that they have to do, where most of them are clerking work. do doctors complain? yes they do. they are still human aren't they. but who would do this kind of job, waking patient up in the middle of their sleep, asking permission to prick them and expose them for examinations, away from family and friends on a holiday, yet remain professional, a sweet heart even, talking and humoring the patient.

it's a noble profession. that i am sure of. though i'm scared with the challenges ahead, i know that i want to do just the same as what my friend did. so if ever i become defensive when people say bad thing bout doctors, pardon me for being that way for i have seen what others dont.

happy new year to all :)

p/s : i came back at 7am, slept at 8am, only to wake up at 4.30pm. i was shocked looking at the watch. half of the day is gone.

lagu

2011-12-29T00:19:00.000+08:00

berikan ku hanya satu lagu...

alangkah indah jika dirimu sentiasa disisiku

angkasa

2011-12-28T23:56:00.001+08:00

ke angkasa dan kembali, ku tetap berada di sisi

walaupun kita dua insan yang tak pernah memahami

diri kita yang berlainan, tapi takdir kita bertemu

slacking much

2011-12-28T23:06:00.000+08:00

i've been.. slacking most of the time nowadays. and unwell. i tweet less and less. i blog less and less. and i jut finished 3 weeks early morning postings to muar. so recently my time is filled with recovering, sleeping and spending time with friends and family. i put on hold so many things. one blog post regarding the malaysian health care system for my friend, uploading the hang out pictures with kakak, reading novels and finishing my studies. too many things going on in mind but i havent execute them one bit. maybe after new year. again, all depend on my mood. but before that, preparing for end posting exam in 2 weeks time. hmm.

p/s : i so wanna write something. but nothing really inspires me right now. i envy my old self who can write easily before. maybe i need a new external stimulus. but then again, i have one. and it'll always be one.

bila boleh jumpa balik

2011-12-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

rindu.

kenapa jauh sangat :(

p/s : memang tak macho betul rindu bantal busuk bila dah tua ni. but it was with me practically every where. this is the first time i feel attached to a non-living item.

dearest bella

2011-12-09T19:56:00.000+08:00

My smiles are the best defense. The best armour :)

they never fail me. not even once.

--------------

i talked to myself using 3 different nicknames.

like technically talk, talk.

yes, im weird that way.

anis, the cheeky, bubbly, impulsive one.

nabillah, the clear-headed, smart wise one.

and bella.. well bella in a way,

is always the funkier, carefree and brave one.

all the big talks, it's all from her.

i always tell myself one thing.

BE BRAVE TO BE THE PERSON YOU ARE.

--------------

why again, if you wonder, the multiple post bout myself?

because i constantly need these reminders,

to remind me of who i really am,

when i forget her, when i am unhappy,

for i dont wanna loose myself

when things are pressuring me,

pushing me to the limit.

cuz one thing i know for sure,

i dont like to bend my principles,

the ethics i've taught myself all these years,

just to make me feel belonged

to make me feel fit-in.

i am me, i am always true to myself.

my reflection

2011-12-09T19:12:00.000+08:00

Know, dear questioner, that if you feel far from Allah, the solution is not to stop what you are doing and find a different way, but to persevere and continue on the path you are on, even though it is hard. This will make you beloved to Allah, and one who feels the happiness of being close to Him and being shaded by His Loving Mercy and care.

May Allah enliven and enlighten our hearts and grant us closeness to Him. May He make us people who love to worship Him, and through our worship become close to Him and gain His love. May He make our hearts firm and steadfast on our deen, and grant us strength and bravery in our spiritual struggles. May He guide us to the best decisions and make easy for us the path of khayr [goodness]. Ameen ya Rabb.

--------------

this was an excerpts i found after reading an article from my friend's blog. for she and i, sometimes we have the same confusion. hers are new while mine is recurrent. i cant control the way i feel but i know it needs correction. a lot of it. for someone to say something loudly behind the curtains, boohoo, come and say it aloud to me.

the one that got away

2011-12-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

i'm no longer your muse

in another life

i would be your girl

we keep all our promises

be us against the world

in another life

i will make you stay

so i dont have to say

you were the one that got away

the one that got away

2011-12-04T13:29:00.000+08:00

i had the most beautiful dream before i woke up today. you know, the type that can make you smile the whole day. but instead, i cried. because the thing that i dream about is too far fetched.

sometimes dream can be a sign, a sign that shows what you desire most. but i stopped believing in that when few more people appeared in my dream, ridiculously sweeping me off my feet. haha. though, when you appear in my dream every time i decided i want to give up the whole thing, that is just confusing.

some dream can become a reality. but we have to work for it. but when too many efforts has been given and the dream remained as a dream, then maybe, we need to find a new one.

mimpi yang tak kembali #2

2011-12-04T13:13:00.000+08:00

the most beautiful dream is now a nightmare

batu yang keras pun,

lama-lama kalau dititik air akan terhakis juga.

air tu takde la kuat mana pun.

tapi kalau kumpul2 semua kekuatan,

takung sikit2 sampai melimpah,

batu yang keras pun tenggelam jugak

jadi sapa yang kuat sekarang ni?

sapa yang lagi penting.

batu ke air?

in time

2011-11-27T23:27:00.001+08:00

"You start believing again.. In chemistry. If you have chemistry,
you only need one other thing.. Timing. But timing is a bitch"
- Robin Scherbatsky

------------

have I stop believing?

like Ted did?

or I'd rather wait?

like Barney did?

either way, both requires the same thing

time.

seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years.

the same constant.

yours truly

2011-11-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

Once you find happiness, you hang on tight, don't let it get away.

----------

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. - From The Notebook

who is he? i dont know. i think i know. but now i dont really know. i wish i know who is he.
he for a fact, stays at the deepest of my heart.

a thousand years

2011-11-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

dear jacob,

love, bella.

-----------------

i guess i have always been in team jacob.

one flip and it's there

2011-11-23T23:26:00.000+08:00

Eat Pray Love, chapter 48, page 157

-----------------

"But i really loved him."

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries - you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because i seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? Nah, too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and thank God for it. Your problem is, you can't let this one go. It's over Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a lilttle bit, show ou your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, than introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. that was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.

"But i love him."

"So love him."

"But i miss him."

"So miss him. send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. but here's what you gotta understand Groceries. if you clear out all that space in your mind that you are using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. and guess what the universe will do with that doorway? it will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love that you'll ever dreamed.

-----------------

like Richard was talking to me, word by word.

penakut

2011-11-20T18:37:00.000+08:00

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku

You will always be loved

2011-11-18T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm imagining a day were I get up,

and I know that I will not see you, because you're far away.

Okay, I will not see you, no chance, will not.

And now, now I'm imagining a day when I get up

and I know that I might see you. Okay might, could, maybe,

Of those two days, that's the day I want, that's the day I choose.

- Will -

----------------

why the sudden craze with waiting for forever?
it's because it showed how deeply one can love another.

im not a poet, neither am i the best writer. but im a romantic who writes. though Will may have some personality issues, where you can see that he sort of lives in his own peachy world, talking to thin air pretending that his parents were still around and followed Emma around just to be in the SAME area as her, not even talking, not even acknowledging himself, he knew what love feels like, despite the lacking he has to grew up with.

"You will always be loved",
were the last word from Emma before they parted.

And Emma's dad, trying to convince her mum that she'll be strong and well when he's gone; torturing her and pushing her till she loses her grip; showed how a man really loves a woman. he doesnt want a false pretend from her, he wanted the raw emotions, the sign that she will move on after his passing.

i want that. i want those true beautiful emotions in my life.
maybe they sounded like some fairy-tale dream,
but it's not wrong to hope, it's not wrong to dream
and surely it's not wrong to pray.

----------------

Life is not simple, life is not easy.
there's a moment everybody's life
when you're helpless,
just helpless with hope and trust.
And then something happens,
something too big to understand,
and then everything changes forever.

the irony

2011-11-18T19:04:00.001+08:00

waiting for forever

It doesn't matter. It's just being around where she might be,
that's plain. - Will

-----------------

Dear Emma,

Those two words, ‘Dear Emma’ take me away to way another time when we use to write to each other after mom and dad died. I used to tell you about my new friends and my new life. And you used to tell me about the grand time my mom and dad were having in heaven. Truth is nothing. What you believe to be true is everything. And the main thing that I used to believe was that I would be with you forever. Forever.

The reason it is taking me so long to write you is that I have seen that I have been a fool. I have spent my life fooling myself.

Every letter I’ve ever written to you has been a love letter. How could they have been anything else? I can see now that all of them, except this one, were bad love letters.

Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing. This, I’m pleased to announce, is my first good love letter to you. Because there is nothing more for you to do. You already done everything. I have enough of you in my head to last forever. So please don’t ever worry about me. I’m peachy! I really am. I have everything.

If i had one wish, it would be that your life brings you a taste of happiness that you have brought to me. That you could feel what it’s like to love.

Your friend forever,

Will

commitment?

2011-11-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

the one topic that made all the girls go gaga, marriage, is finally in for discussion in my Islamic Studies class. as expected, the excitement, the giggles and the blush are seen. i cant help but join, though my level of excitement or keterujaan isnt as obvious as the others. maybe because it's not my main priority now or just maybe it's because of that one episode last march.

though what i love bout this class was the way my lecturer educate us, the girls specifically regarding our rights and what we should and shouldn't do to prepare ourselves for the huge commitment. and at the same time correct the stigma people use to have about marriage. it's not just two hearts becoming one; it's two families getting closer, two people tolerating and sacrificing for one another, two heads planning for financial and social supports, two parents nurturing their children.

so at the end of the class, he made us think, what we want from that marriage. what do we plan to achieve, how we want our partner to treat us, how we personally treat them. that much level of trust, and understanding, can only be met when you meet the right person who can accept you for who you are, and can put his or her ego below yours and agree and tolerate over the circumstances.

"and when you feel you have found the right person, work towards it and pray so that God grant you with the best, suitable spouse and partner, so you can work towards your goal together."

that was his last sentence before we end our class. my lecturer recited the most beautiful hadith to complete his session that i can say, indirectly made me think deeply over what was discussed over the 2 hours period.

"Sesungguhnya setiap amalan itu dimulai dengan niat, dan sesungguhnya keatas setiap manusia itu ( dibalas ) mengikut apa yang telah diniatkannya."

this is the full version :

” Daripada Amirul Mukminin Abu Hafs bin Umar bin Al-khattab bin Nufail bin ‘Uzza bin Rayaah bin Abdullah bin Qurthi bin Razaah bin ‘Adiyya bin Ka’aab bin Luaai bin Ghalib al-quraisy al-’adawiy redha Allah keatas nya berkata : aku telah mendengar Rasulullah (s.a.w) bersabda : ” Sesungguhnya setiap amalan itu dimulai dengan niat, dan sesungguhnya keatas setiap manusia itu ( dibalas ) mengikut apa yang telah diniatkannya, barang sesiapa yang berniat berhijrah kerana Allah dan RasulNya maka hijrahnya adalah kerana Allah dan RasulNya, dan barang sesiapa yang berniat berhijrah kerana dunia atau perempuan yang ingin dinikahinya maka hijrahnya itu adalah kerana kedua-duanya ( dunia dan perempuan yang ingin dinikahi ).

( Hadis Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim )

--------------

i remember what it was so well..

before you, i had this beautiful soul that was untouchable.

before you, i was proud and dignified and mysterious.

after you, nothing has changed.

it wasn't easy, but i have not lost myself because of you.

what was instilled when i was with you,

remained as a part of me.

and i cherished it, polished it,

so that i will shine till the earth core.

--------------

it doesnt have to be said out loud,

it doesnt have to be told to other people,

even when we cant construct a proper sentence

to explain what we feel, He the Almighty,

is the great listener, is the all-knowing.

the slightest whisper in our hearts

are known to him like a well versed speech.

you know, i know, what's deep down.

He knows. so come what may,

in what ever way, crossed or parallel,

im forever grateful.

withholding something we want the most

2011-11-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes sadness takes a turn too. These are the seasons of life; like summer,
fall,winter & spring, they all have their purpose & their role - Yasmin Mogahed

-----------

sometimes my heart screams for wanting something or someone that i dont have.
or even for being jealous over some other people's life,
how perfect their every day life are seen thru my eyes,
how important and significant their activities were,
while im here in the hospital or my room most of the time,
studying or trying to study or procrastinating.

but i try not to be thaat greedy and ungrateful,
for i always try to see the littlest thing that brings smile to my face.
at least at the end of the day, i can go to sleep peacefully.
*bukak onerepublic good life pun boleh jugak*
that always work

-----------

but here is a better reason why something is being withhold :

Allah is Al Wahab (the one who loves to give gifts) and Al Kareem (the most generous). Therefore the default is that He loves to give. So, think about it. We must know that if Al Wahab, Al Kareem has withheld something from us, it must be because Al- Aleem (the most knowing) and Al Hakeem (the Most Wise) knows in His knowledge and wisdom that at this time it is best for us that it be withheld. And so, Al Rahman (the most merciful) withholds. Know that He withholds to give.

credit to maria elena for this photos

surah al-baqarah : 286

Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Ia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang di usahakannya, dan ia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya. (Mereka berdoa dan berkata): "Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganlah Engkau mengirakan kami salah jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Wahai Tuhan kami! janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami bebanan yang berat sebagaimana yang telah Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada kami. Wahai Tuhan kami! Janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang kami tidak terdaya memikulnya. Dan maafkanlah kesalahan kami, dan berilah rahmat kepada kami, dan beri Penolong kami oleh itu, tolonglah kami untuk mencapai kemenangan terhadap kaum-kaum yang kafir".

-------------------------------------------------------

surah at-taha : 131

Dan janganlah engkau menujukan pandangan kedua matamu dengan keinginan kepada apa yang telah Kami berikan kepada beberapa golongan dari mereka yang kafir itu menikmatinya, yang merupakan keindahan kehidupan dunia ini, untuk Kami menguji mereka padanya sedang limpah kurnia Tuhanmu di akhirat lebih baik dan lebih kekal.

-------------------------------------------------------

i know it's not now, but maybe later?

all i can do is pray :)

and maybe your prayers for me, too, will help!

breakeven

2011-11-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

cut my leg if you disagree that this isnt the best performance ever.

my most favourite band, before the fray, onerepublic and boyce avenue.

what am i suppose to do when the best of me was always you
when heart breaks, it dont break even.

anis nabillah

2011-11-08T01:10:00.005+08:00

Anis = my cherisher / person that makes you smile

Nabillah = is noble

--------

your treat make me smile and happy

but you still maintain your pride and dignity

anis nabillah

the beauty of a girl

--------

someone made/gave my name it's own definition
can someone help me find that person?
i forget whether it's a he or a she :(
i wanna say thank you and i miss you
and give you this bright smile
that never fail to lighten up your day

love is when..

2011-11-06T13:04:00.001+08:00

"Love comes to those who still hope,

even though they've been dissapointed,

to those who still believe,

even though they've been betrayed,

to those who still love,

even though they've been hurt before."

im in awe over my increasing crush over JB.

ohwell, as long as his songs are good

aidiladha

2011-11-06T11:32:00.000+08:00

and whatever sacrifise we do, for the person we love,

it'll always be worth it as long as we are sincere ♥

-----------

selamat hari raya aidiladha to you, you and you, oh i forget, you, the one over there.

I'm alive, I'm dreaming: Neither Heavy nor Light, Just Being Together

2011-11-04T00:55:00.001+08:00

I'm alive, I'm dreaming: Neither Heavy nor Light, Just Being Together:

Just stumbled upon this beautiful poem at my friend's blog, so i reposted it, my heart beats for this one,
by Ash L Bennet

I don't remember, any more,
The exact shape of your hands
As I held them in mine,
Caressed them,
Memorized the length of your fingers,
The depth of your calluses.

I don't remember, any more,
Exactly your height, how much
Taller than me
You were, where
My head rested on your chest
When you held me tightly close.

I don't remember, any more,
Your scent, when we lay together
Creating our own
Magic rhythm,
Matching our heartbeats as we
Touched the sky, together.

I don't remember, any more,
The sound of your voice, calling
My name as though
It were a song
Within itself, a precious treasure
You valued with all your being.

And I don't remember, any more,
The color of your eyes, the shape
Of your lips,
Only...
How your eyes crinkled at the corners
And your laugh, as you told me,

"I love you."

right next to you

2011-11-04T00:43:00.001+08:00

i have no idea why it's on replay so many times in a day.

maybe because my super huge crush on chris brown.

and err justin bieber?! come one, he's getting better in his music :)

-------------

You've got that smile, That only heaven can make.

I pray to God everyday, That you keep that smile.

I'll be there when you're insecure,

Let you know that you're always lovely.

One day when the sky is falling,

I'll be standing right next to you,

Nothing will ever come between us.

-------------

i had a fun outing with my girls.

our theme was : rant bout your current bf day

well, i dont have one but yeah i can relate

i've been there, i've done those things :)

so i'm pretty much adjusted with all those.

but one thing i realized,
i was a lucky girl back then. luckier than my friends now.
i was treated like a princess, full of attention and love.
and im grateful for having that part of my life <3

that really sets a bar aint it?
hee. well, we'll see how things go in the future.
i'm not looking for anyone currently.
i'm comfortable in my own skin.

-------------

and my friend asked this question to me;
how do you know or when do you know, have you get that feeling,
that, that guy is the one for you?

procrastinating much anis? read this

2011-10-30T19:15:00.000+08:00

Berkata Imam Al Ghazali :

"Aku hairan kelakuan 4 jenis orang:

1. Orang yang cerdas tapi tidak mahu belajar

2. Orang yang mempunyai ilmu tapi tidak mahu mengamalkannya

3. Orang yang beramal tapi tidak ikhlas

4. Orang yang ikhlas beramal tapi tidak merasa takut"

p/s : now think again before you start procrastinating. geez, my blog is really becoming my diary, or in that manner, someone i talk to constantly now -.-

i'm a mix that needs sorting

2011-10-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

"I'm gonna tell you from the very start"

i saw it in your eyes.

i dont know where to start, should i let you in my heart?

there's ain't nothing gonna tear us apart.

just dont go and break my heart.

---------------

ever try to balance yourself?

one time you're romantic, one time you're cold

one time you know nothing make any sense

the other you know that everything is perfectly fine

one time you know you need to reach Him

but then the feelings you have doesn't correlate

is it ok to be the person i am now?

tell me, am i doing things right?

show me a sign please.

i need it.

Chuck Lorre Productions, #336

2011-10-29T20:54:00.000+08:00

the big bang theory

we tell ourselves stories. we weave together different plot lines, wondering if the outcome of the story might be different were we have to done or said something other than what we had done or said, all the while knowing that the various alternative outcomes are just more stories - fictions meant todistract us from what's actually happening. and so we pause from weaving and commence breathing, gently and non-judgmentally saying hello to what is...

oy vey.

i've done and say wondrous things to myself. every time i changed the story when the other doesn't work. when will it have an ending?

LAN : brain vs heart vs perception

2011-10-29T12:24:00.000+08:00

this piece of writing is the evidence that i am boldly procrastinating for not doing my homework, case sheet nor reading, sacrificing my sleeping hours, and in a constant grumbling battle with my stomach for not feeding it. but it makes my heart *conscious* and brain happy cuz i just have soo many things to talk about today. i remind you, this one is very very very long!

one part has already being posted. that was one emo post and im not proud of it especially after tweetblasting all about it in the morning. the second part is here, in this post. and perhaps a third one in another post later -.-

for the past 2 weeks, i've been attending LAN (lembaga akreditasi negara) class for islamic studies. apparently the one that i have taken during my college days weren't the same as the one here. so i have to take extra 60 hours of class twice a week for 2 hours, from 5.30 till 7.30pm. BUT im not complaining :)

cuz the input i get was immensely great and help me to think critically. besides, i can get straight answers to my long list of questions about my deen, my religion, islam. you ought to listen to the questions i asked. it's not very mature. though then again, why impose and pretend you understand things when you can open your mind with baby steps question?

today we discussed bout kejadian manusia, macam mana nabi adam diciptakan, apa yang jadi selepas tu. macam mana iblis disobey perintah Allah and request for two huge things that in turn affect us till the end of day ie; 1) iblis request nak sesatkan umat manusia sesesatnye2 2) mohon utk tak dimatikan sehingga hari kiamat nnt. bijak dan angkuhnya iblis dalam membuat keputusan. maybe kita terfikir why Allah granted the wishes that could lead to disaster but He definitely has more faith in us human cuz we have the greatest defend of all; ilmu and ajaran from our prophet nabi Muhammad s.a.w. i feel thankful, cuz i got the chance to learn all this all over again. bila dah besar2 ni, bila and siapa yang nak ajar kita pasal agama unless diri sendiri. so when this opportunity came, i sought for it and promised myself never to complain bout it no matter how tired i am.

then ustaz mentioned regarding kejadian hawa. bagaimana dia dicipta untuk melengkapkan adam, and from that i feel honored and blessed to be born as a woman, sungguh, even al-quran pun ada satu surah khusus untuk kaum wanita.

Surah An-Nisa` dibuka dengan ayat:

يَاأَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً

“Wahai sekalian manusia, bertakwalah kepada Rabb kalian yang telah menciptakan kalian dari jiwa yang satu dan dari jiwa yang satu itu Dia menciptakan pasangannya, dan dari keduanya Dia memperkembangbiakkan laki-laki dan perempuan yang banyak.” (An-Nisa`: 1)

so you see, women complete men. no matter how strong a guy claim he is, how he can live without a woman by his side, deep down he knows that he's incomplete without the significant other. and women may be portrait as a weak and needy tapi percayalah, kelebihan perempuan untuk melengkapkan lelaki dari segi jiwa dan perasaan adalah kekuatan yang lelaki tak mampu kuasai.

simple example, when the husband goes to work, who settles the household issues, the children and groceries and other what not? definitely it's the wife regardless whether she's working or not. these little things that the wife does lifts up and clears the husband's mind from the minor2 things. tu tak masuk lagi how she will care and pamper her husband :)

“Sesungguhnya wanita diciptakan dari tulang rusuk. Dan sungguh bahagian yang paling bengkok dari tulang rusuk adalah yang paling atasnya. Bila engkau ingin meluruskannya, engkau akan mematahkannya. Dan jika engkau ingin bersenang-senang dengannya, engkau bisa bersenang-senang namun padanya ada kebengkokan.” (HR. Al-Bukhari no. 3331 dan Muslim no. 3632)

so you see, we are a pair, just, we have to be patient to find the other half of us. i think i've found mine once based on how he used to care for me, how he used to nurture me to be a fairly good person by making me understand my flaws and the things i do wrong, and not shout or be mad at me for doing so. the fact that he reminded me to stay close and remember God too was priceless. but God is great and he knew better. my prayers are always with him.

also, from that hadith, tersiratnya something yang dalam which is cara nak didik perempuan. buat para lelaki, jangan berkasar dengan perempuan if you want to make her learn nor you spoil her with things and let her have too much liberty. instead, be gentle, smart and sensitive cuz the more you try to bend something, the faster it breaks.

and another topic that we discussed were the process of apocalypse. goodness great it scared me to death bila ustaz described how it will happen and apa yang akan jadi pada umat akhir zaman. macam mana imam mahadi akan turun, fight dajjal, how nabi isa a.s will fight the wronged and lead muslims back to the right path. how we, muslims will be screened one by one and directed to our definite end; heaven or hell. tersedar sekejap after listening to all those; how much i've sinned all this while, the horrible things i do. ya allah, guide me to you path and dont let me stray from it. guide all my loved ones together : mama, daddy, abah, my brothers, auntie, uncle and him. kurniakan kami dengan kasih sayangMu dan rahmatMu.

so this is basically it, my LAN class. there is more to come and i look forward for every class. cuz it shows that it's good to have a liberal mind, one that questions and view things differently yet achieve the same understanding but able to imply and use it in daily living.

go anis for trying to improve yourself. hmm. now i miss the talk i used to have with aussie boy. ask away anything, we'll argue, discuss and conclude. owh well, for the time being i have ustaz and erna for it. so maybe that will do.

the love game

2011-10-29T01:53:00.000+08:00

love is like a guessing game

its like diving into a pool of water without knowing if it's shallow or deep

it's a leap of faith

if it's shallow, yeah, you end up paralyze from the neck down

but if it's deep, you gain more than what you expect...

sometimes

it's like throwing yourself out there without any guarantee

tough im not ready now, but with you my future half, i know i will be...

p/s : to my dearest erna. though rite now u cant make up ur mind, which i too are unable to figure out mine, let us both continue praying for the best of our future :)

being personal much? if it's english, then i mean business.

2011-10-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

honestly, im the type of person, who tries to be different. i dont stick with the same group in lecture class, i dont clog with the same people during posting, though i do have the same circle of friends that i am comfortable to hang out with. that's normal right?! i mean, different in the sense that i dont hang out with the same malay group during classes. not that im not comfortable or dont like my own race but urm, i beg to differ? ok that's just effing ridiculous.

but seriously, those things i do made me talk to other people other than my close group of friends and practice my english. may be im known for slightly better english proficiency but that doesnt mean im all fluent. i stumbled here and there and forget the simple important words. even my vocabs arent that great. why the hell am i rambling about this? it started particularly when im at the bed side.

communication skill. communication skill. communication skill. for god sake communication skill. yes, we do converse with the patient in malay and im comfortable with that, though sometimes i came up with funny direct translation malay words that made the patient frown -.- but we are still discussing the case in english with the lecturer. haih. that is communication skill too. how to get the idea across if u cant converse properly with the lecturer? as a 22yr old, i feel ahem *ashamed* when i forget the correct or most suitable terms while doing discussion. lets just leave grammar aside n focus on proper sentence formation. practise people please. just be confident and talk aloud.

im in no way bragging or in no way of thinking that im far superior from other people cuz of my proficiency. but when you are in a group, especially in this case, posting group, you would want everyone to be at least at the same pace as you. or in my case, decelerate to be at the same pace as everybody else. why am i bringing this up? because we will be together for the next 2 years and we'll be developing n learning together. so i wish to have a very dynamic group like last time in manipal. the kind that discuss n explain. not answer with one sentence word. i wanna stop decelerating. i wanna move forward. i want my group to move forward so we can all be good doctors.

maybe what my lecturer told me was right. i need to talk and discuss with them. i need to do something. no point im ridiculing here and not get the message across. it'll benefit me and most likely benefit them. somethings gotta change and i plan to do so.

lemony snickety #8

2011-10-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

“All these things are miracles. It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Lump of Coal

------------

and you ARE my miracle

never have been a 'were'

always have, always will

meeting those god blessed people

in huge green dressing robe

teaching me the meaning of life, every single day,

bearing my endless rehearsed questions

they are my miracle

and her

she is the one and only

who brings miracle to me without her knowing

though some times it came as a misfortune

yet, never complete without

a simple hello and i love you.

your song

2011-10-26T13:23:00.002+08:00

it's a little bit funny

this feeling inside

not the kind that you can hide

my gift is my song, and this one is for you

i hope you dont mind, i put it down in words

how wonderful life is, when you are in the world

umbrella

2011-10-17T21:29:00.000+08:00

sometime long ago, we made a promise,

my best friend and i,

before we went our separate ways, we'll still be

each other's umbrella <3

good things always come to those who wait

2011-10-15T16:54:00.000+08:00

"If you think I can tell you what's going on inside my heart,

you know even less about it than you think."

The Midst of Descends (IWroteThisForYou)
MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2011

-------------

Dear Shattered,

I asked you to let me in, to show me what's below the surface, to crawl around & examine your life's muck. You obliged. For all the hopeful willingness, nothing could have prepared me for the wild tour. It was painful, but more from the involvement of others; not for what you led me to or even necessarily how. There's more, I'm quite certain, and it could be far less tame. I trust you will share it with me if, when, how you choose. Rest, love. Please. Spend your energy where ever you need to, however it pleases, comforts, nurtures, sustains you. Best not to assume, but you do know me well enough to know the truth in this: I am grateful for this year. I am still here. I cherish you.

And I love you, ai. Very much.

Broken, with a soldered seam of gold. You?

-------------

.good things always come to those who wait out the struggle.

do you remember?

2011-10-15T16:11:00.001+08:00

the two videos.

within 10 days.

well, i dont think it'll be the same again.

the moment you sang this,

for so many times,

i thought that would be the last of it.

we never make it to this year.

the other love of my life

2011-10-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

i am...

the only daughter.

somehow spoiled but to a certain extend,

can be ridiculously manja at times.

and my mum, is my best friend.

lucky for me, i have two of them.

see the one in black tudung here,

she's the other love of my life.

i wouldn't trade her for anything in this world

and i certainly don't care what others might say

for somehow making it even complicated;

for being so attached.

she's my strength when mama is not around,

she's the happy note when it's all bleak.

she's the auntie i always talked about,

more of a second mother day in day out.

fix you? more of myself i guess

2011-10-09T21:24:00.000+08:00

i think i have posted this before. but it was the coldplay version.

i cant resist posting the boyce avenue version

it's normal to get what you want but not what you need

but for me, it's the other way around

then again, i should be thankful.

when you lose something that you cant replace

when you love someone it goes to waste

when you're too in love to let it go

but if you never try you'll never know

just what you're worth

ward work much

2011-10-09T19:37:00.001+08:00

u know, i feel more human now than before.

why? if u may ask.

simply because the amount of senses you have to use;

during the clinical posting, classes, talking to the patient,

introducing yourself to the chief nurse,

getting things across to your group mates,

and most of the time trying to not screw yourself in front of your lecturer.

in the ward, one should have all these persona at one go;

friendly, caring, empathy, loving and most importantly sincerity.

at the same time one is expected to be sharp, articulate, professional and competent;

to clerk the best history and confidently examine the patient.

eyes scanning the patient up and down, with stethoscope on his chest

simultaneously counting his pulse, and maybe later his respiratory rate

all at the same time. not that you cant do it one step at a time;

but he's in agony, why would you want to make him more uncomfortable?

i am, greatly thankful and secretly admiring

all the patients i have met in the C4 ward.

i haven't done my best in the ward, but i surely gave all my best

it was so brave for the patient to let us poke, measure and wonder

*by that wonder, i mean got confuse in the middle of examination*

knowing that we're only 3rd year medical student who just came back to malaysia.

thank you god for giving me the chance to do all this.

i know now, why i choose medicine instead of islamic banking.

it wasn't thaat clear before, but it surely does now.

and mainly because i love what i do;

one, im a people person.

two, i love challenges.

three, i work better under pressure.

four, you feel that you've found a miracle when you discover the littlest things

five, cuz i know, i'll work my ass off to be a really good doctor.

and six, because that one story kept replaying at the back of my mind,

how that small kid was saved by the doctor;

giving me the chance to meet him on this present day.

Chuck Lorre Productions, #212

2011-10-09T11:33:00.000+08:00

The Big Bang Theory

I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voices of God -- or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch -- or a reasonable facsimile.

merely

2011-10-05T07:24:00.001+08:00

this post is merely a post

showing how i really need to write

to get my system to function

days start at 6.30am everyday

board the bus by 7.30
and...

it's getting tiring

maybe i'll write more later.

now i need to rush to the bus.

where does the bus park again?

shiniteruyo

2011-09-25T04:47:00.000+08:00

trust me, it's draining me out

kimita tuokukitemo

kiminoi shuaguaratala

shiniteruyo

losing and finding

2011-09-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

im being me. i know people talk, they question. and definitely will ruin my social life if i let my other side run wild in college. now, i wouldnt want to do that if i'm planning for something bigger.

i am not perfect. im still finding myself.

like i've told him once during our long walks,

"im still me, the two sides co-exist, the good one and the bad one"

------------

i know and can still feel the feeling when i first wanna change.

i remember the reason why i wanna do it,

and i got the great support when im going thru it.

------------

im going thru that process again.

losing and finding what i've lost, again.

for how ever long it takes, i'll try to direct myself to it.

as long as im being me and not someone else.

attraversiamo

2011-09-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

cross-over.

that is what it means. the next week will be another transition. i am.., lazy. it has been comfortable, this past few weeks. chore-less, sleeping at random hours, novels, television, free food, great friends. super awesome.

but next week has forced me to go digging all the boxes, cupboards and store room. thank god so many good things came out of the excavation for i will shoot the boxes delivery guy because of their lousy job.

that extra tshirt i found in the cupboard reminded me of so many things; how casual it was for sleepover and in need for clean cloth when i put the dirty one in the laundry. like mine is the second home. but it's time to change direction now. just like how i trade the brown long locks for a boyish cut. tried to maintain it but it's time for a refreshing change. what ever the length is, im still the same girl.

short is the new confidence.

"you like it long like i do but im young and i need to feel

like one. you can keep yours, let me cut mine"

one hour and a half of waiting

2011-09-22T00:47:00.000+08:00

yes, that is how long i waited for him at the train station.

my other friend couldnt make it cuz she has a lot of errands to run.

so there i was, alone, raining heavily with thunders and lightning.

lucky me i have a novel together to kill the time.

coincidentally i saw a girl, wearing almost the same outfit;

tucked in shirt, with leather belts and shawl,

waiting in the rain, reading the same novel.

epic!

-----------

then he came.

it's always john mayer playing in his car.

he's the mellow, laid-back kind of person.

yeap, that's my best friend alright.

so we finally had our session for this year. it's always once in 6 months.

it'll always be a one day outing, spilling everything out;

especially the deepest thoughts and the real truth.

the one that we dont really share with other people, upto the minute details.

we go way back. way way back.

and it has been mutual.

so today he suggested me to be a writer. lol.

but maybe, just maybe, i'll be one.

i know i have a story to tell. a MASSIVE one.

and finally i met the love of his life. hee.

they're so sweet together.

i wish you well, the both of you.

the fact that i still have you when he left,

i know i have a comfort zone to fall onto

and a solid reason to bounce back.

just like you have me, at the lowest point of your life.

i've been there and i'll always be there.

-----------

sending hand written letters to him from boarding school,

weekly updates on school's public phone,

mcd outing on the 2nd day of raya,

3am meet up at the porch of my house,

beautiful view of btho at midnight,

kidnapped me at 2am in the morning to hang out at mamak

(just because he was bored n drove all the way from cheras to shah alam)

chocolates for him every time i came back from india,

reminiscing old school days with jeng at pappa rich

waiting almost 2 hours for him to show up at the train station

and countless emo phone calls from msia-india-s.alam-cheras-perak

all of this, results to the same outcome;

the both of us laughing, forgetting every sorrow there is,

smiling widely, having a blast together <3

-----------

im the person, who will give her very best, all out, the best effort

for the people she loves. im not that kind of person

who doesnt give a damn bout her relationship.

mimpi yang tak kembali

2011-09-19T16:40:00.000+08:00

"dan bila kau menghilang, musnahlah impian tuk menggapai bintang

terangi hidupku, ku mahu kau tahu engkaulah destinasiku dalam ingatanku"

berbaring renung kita ke bulan

terang, terang bersama rasa sayang

ku biarkan kau terbang

sudut kecilku ku isi senyuman mu lagi

mimpi yang tak kembali

aku janji, janji takkan pergi

curahkan deritamu padaku,

biarkan ku rasa apa yang kau lalu

poetry love #2

2011-09-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

i may not be as vocal as before to show my patriotism,

cuz somehow im more mellow now

but here is something for the thoughts :)

-----------

this is Sama Sebangsa by Awan Putih (1946-48)

Kenapa kita sakit

memandang orang naik

nampak orang bangkit

menchapai nama baik,

kita iri

kita benchi

kita khianati

kita keji!

Mengapa semangat ini datang;

jawabnya mudah

sebab kita pantang memandang

orang jaya kita kalah.

Kalau kita tak dapat rebut

seperti dia membuat

jangan kita ribut

membuat khianat.

Biarlah dia memanjat

ke jinjang tangga mahligai

kita pun turut terpandang

sebab antara dia dan kita

sama2 sebangsa!

-----------

sounds familiar eyh?

that's what we're going thru nowadays.

jealousy, greediness and despise

by our own race.

it's us, generation Y

who are bound to start the changes.

happy 16th malaysia!

2011-09-18T21:39:00.001+08:00

today i get to watch the documentation of KLCC; how they first plan it, how it was built, the strategies they adopt to make it as the tallest building in the world. i was amazed! im a sport for documentaries, especially buildings and autobiographies.

i used to have the greatest view of KLCC from my school especially during the night. i remembered, every day when the clock strikes 12am, klcc will shut it's lights off one by one. just like when it's time to switch off the lights in our dormitories. and dont let me start how lovely the view was during merdeka, new year and what ever celebrations there were. we got free fireworks show, countdown of our own during independence day and colorful lights show during cancer week when kl tower n klcc add some more colours to them.

the round thing on klcc, the spires, they used to shine like glowing pearls in mid day. you see, my school is a tiny school, surrounded by tall buildings and busy traffic, where every night your sleep is disturbed with the siren from ambulance and fire truck. but that one small junction to the right along the corner brought us, the SESERIAN, to a whole new world. our school is like a small garden in kuala lumpur with magnificent view.

well, not my intention to reminisce a tad too much bout my school when the main reason im writing this is to wish happy Malaysia Day to my country, to my fellow Malaysians and how after this, every time i look at klcc, it'll be different. i will always be reminded of the effort and the visions of our late prime minister, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad in developing our country. what seemed to be too futuristic back then to other people, he saw it as new opportunities. let there be more future leaders like him.

p/s : so it's another 16th. i opened that folder in D. that two videos were sent to me about a week after the 12th last year. they were sweet and still gives me the same reaction after i finish watching it. squishy, teary and mushy.

p/p/ : and you know you're a true city girl when you feel excited and somewhat relieved every time you see klcc again as you enter kl after a short or long trip outside kl.

walk around

2011-09-14T16:48:00.000+08:00

dataran merdeka. klcc fountain. time square. mid valley. hajris bistro. q bistro. mc donald taman connaught. bukit bintang. klcc. blue wave hotel. sacc pizza hut. uptown bdr tun razak. port dickson. ABC mamak. bandar tun hussein onn. manly beach. bandar tun razak. rafi bistro. bandar tasik permaisuri. mc donald btho. imu. klia. max brenner. paddy's market. easy way. ferry. lcct. sydney. india. manipal. agra. mentari condominium. jaipur. buyong. intec library. sunway pyramid. aquaria. lrt bandar tasik selatan. tony romas sunway + pavilion. love. 143. what better way to explore a new place other than walking around with a great tour guide. good tour, good journey, good food and great companion.

6 degree friends everywhere

2011-09-13T23:40:00.001+08:00

so this is what i have been doing for the past one week after raya. meeting up with old friends.

these are my two closest friend in manipal. amy and patrick.

from left : clown, pretty-nerd-boy, the fat kid

they called me clown cuz i am forever clumsy and a total klutz sometimes. dont know how many times i tripped on my own and knocked my head with the umbrella. the fat kid. lol. pat called her that cuz she couldnt stop complaining at times. and oh my, the amount of food and chocolates she ate at one time, is humongous. ehee. and pretty boy, well he became the uber nerd person ever since he get everything straighten out. we both are so proud of him! distinction all the way :)

my rolling partner

the guitar master

the next day, i went to meet my childhood friends at bandar tun hussien onn, the place i grew up. my best friend's dad, uncle johar, insisted that we came over to visit him though jazli was in colorado. it's really good to see each other again after so long, some since primary school.

hazirah, atika, izzah, me, zul and syazwan

someone really hasn't change a bit. hee :)

then for dinner, i went out with my girlfriend, farahin for a dinner date at Westin Hotel, Pavilion.
well normally it's me, beya and pa'in. but beya is now in galway, so it's only the two of us.

pa'in the bubbly lot!

*peace*

pa'in with her never ending peace sign!

and on the weekend, i went to see my INTEC friends, dayah and izulman
whom i literally see last since INTEC years,
and met a new friend, liyana :)

our scrumptious desserts : banana cake pudding, cheesecake with strawberry sauce,
red velvet and chocolate fudge with ice cream. yum!

me and liyana

hiedayyah <3

i've been away from malaysia for 2.5 years, studying in india. though at first i was really sad unable to join my friend in australia but being back here, finishing india, i never regret it one bit. i did the most i can to keep in touch with my friends. and coming back home to them is just wonderful :)

one year

2011-09-12T00:43:00.003+08:00

it's the 1st of 12th. my my. it's been a year.

is it possible to shut the eyes and ears

and pretend it's all roses and diamonds?

only time can tell.

always have, always do, always will.
and few more days,
it's gonna be 3.11.

i remember, sitting on the bench, at that park,

on that beautiful day, stumbling with the lyrics,

with arms wrapped around me.

i dont care it didnt sound right,

i dont care if i didnt sing it beautifully.

they both know, the message was clear.

what might have been a fight all day long,

was forgotten, they end up

laughing enjoying each others company.

fullstop.

remember when

2011-09-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

kadang-kadang kita rasa hilang punca. semua benda pun tak kena. we forget the reason why we do something. we forget the reason why we decide something. and we start looking for the answers. searching for the reasons we referred upon at the very beginning. for a moment there, i thought im lost. stuck in two different world. being in the middle of something that im not fond of and try to avoid.

and i forgot why i still leave that reminder, where i place it now. i think and think but couldn't find anything that satisfies me. then i talked to her and she reminded me of it. it was a very simple reason but a very huge one. so i accept it and continue praying. and yes, i decide to grow out of it. try to not get involve with things that aren't related to me. i've had enough enough of it. dealt with it for 12 years. i think i deserve a break.

but i'm not lost

i'm not gone

i haven't forgot

venus

2011-09-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

Ahmad, an-Nasaie dan al-Hakim meriwayatkan daripada Abu Hurairah r.a bahawa Rasulullah SAW bersabda yang maksudnya :”Sebaik-baik wanita ialah yang menyenangkan seorang lelaki apabila ia melihatnya, yang taat kepadanya apabila ia menyuruhnya dan ia tidak menyalahi suaminya dengan sesuatu yang tidak menyukakannya pada dirinya dan hartanya.”

-----------

may one day, i'll be such a good wife, taking care of my husband the way my mum does. i know i can and will be one. few years of practice few years back really did polished my skills :p

first kiss, first love

2011-09-07T02:04:00.000+08:00

So little to say but so much time,

despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.

Please wear the face, the one where you smile,

because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired.

I need to get away to feel again.

Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind.

Please wipe that look out of your eyes,

it's bribing me to doubt myself;

simply, it's tiring.

Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired.

run #3

2011-09-07T01:06:00.000+08:00

everything was spinning. the loudness was pinging her ears. bright lights blurring her vision. at her sides, two people busy playing with their iphones, sitting at the same table with no words spoken to each other. she opts to ignore but fail. she tries to recollect the times when they were together, eating out or simply hanging out at any food joint. it's always fun ; random chatters, feeding and sharing food, worldwide discussion, teasing either the cashier or waiter. they rarely had a silent moment like the couple she now watching intensely. lucky they didnt notice what she was doing.

alex tried hard to focus on the menu but slowly she's drifting away..
"can i have one fillet-o-fish, small coke, fries and.."
"one big mac!"
"you cant have that! you're on diet remember"
"oh yes i can alex. i'll eat whatever i want"
"fine. how much all together?"
"eleven dollars miss"
"gimme all the coins you have. we'll split the pay into two"
"i have urm, lets see, one two four, six dollars"
"there you go. i have five dollars"
"it's eleven dollar miss!"
"it's all there. count it yourself"
"err.. owh.. sorry, im slow in maths"
"so im gonna eat the big mac and fries and coke, you take the fish"
"oih, i have my share in this!"
"no you dont, im hungry, it's all mine. come lets catch the ferry"
"not so fast! you have to hold this!"

alex felt like telling them, to just enjoy each others company but she couldn't just barge in. she shakes off the feeling and ordered. how she wish sara was here. they would spend timeless together. this is one of those days when she saw her every where she turns. this is one of those days when she remembered all those moments they had together. but she knew regardless what she was feeling, she needs to stay put, collected.

poetry love #1

2011-09-05T21:39:00.007+08:00

old books, with yellowish tinge papers, my favourite.

this is meditasi by kemala

who kemala is, well that's a homework for you :)

-----------

hikmah sebuah perpisahan

merebut tangan waktu

di mana timbulnya gamitan sekitar

bersatu dalam rindu.

pohonan, udara, laut dan diri

kembali menenuni erti

kehidupan terbuka,

detik sepantas nafas

menanyai ketenangan

di sinikah rumahmu?

september mencengkamkan kukunya

senyum sebelum lelah

siapa tergoda

dari pelipismu

menitis darah

darah kesetiaan, harapan dan hidup

darah nikmat hadir dan memberi

cinta penuh ramah

lewat hikmah perisahan ini,

sayang.

-----------

p/s : yes, im am what we call in malay as jiwang -.-

it means a thousand words,

more than i can explain.

kurakura shenanigans

2011-09-04T13:34:00.006+08:00

when i thought i've already written too much, i decided to stop for a while.

mainly because it gave a sense of annoyance.

i dont know to whom actually but somehow it did.

or maybe because there were mixed emotions that i cant classify.

now you dont want a bowl of shenanigans posted here do you.

but it has always been like that. owh well.

-----------

i was busy visiting my relative's houses.

and trying hard to finish my book, strong medicine.

and spending time with my cat.

so i take a break from my inner thoughts,

it's been buzzing and i hate it.

cuz more often now it doesnt correlates with my feelings.

-----------

“I don't know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change.”

(Nicholas Sparks)

but i've never change. i promise.

did i? you did. or we both did?

p/s :

i saw someone asking

"is it worthy to pray for someone who doesn't even care for us ?"

it made me thinking. i'm doing literally the same thing.

so what's the answer? i wanna know.

though i secretly believe it's worth the wait; to see what it's worth.

p/p/s :

dont mind the blog title. im being totally random. i was trying to access my brother's external when it asked the password. and kurakura it is. plus, i cant quite figure out a suitable one myself. so much of trying to avoid being silly.

vintage #101

2011-08-31T11:52:00.005+08:00

honestly, im not a frequent baju kurung wearer. i can count how many i have.

but im a big fan of old baju kurung. especially my mum's.

so these are some that i can fit.

thanks to the major weight loss that is.

there are many more actually. waiting to be worn :)

im her size when she was in her 20s.

-----------

puffed sleeves, embroidery, back zippers,

old colour palllete.

they are to die for.

-----------

jimat duit, tak payah buat baju mahal2.

ambik semua baju mama n reuse, recycle.

win! we just have to know how to style it.

living ligature #2

2011-08-31T01:30:00.005+08:00

im doing the wrong things.

hoping for the wrong reasons.

praying for the impossible.

feel like taking a gun n shoot myself.

or maybe something simpler and less messy.

take the electrode and electrocute

the frontal part of brain that holds the memory.

im done wishing, im done praying.

one piece of heart couldnt possibly go through

the same thing over and over again.

i know it's the festivity now

and it's so wrong for me to feel this way.

being so selfish, wanting what i want.

it's time to save myself, save what's left.

last of manipal

2011-08-29T12:39:00.003+08:00

tipu la kan kalau tak rindu manipal.

one last picture in front of interact hall.

the now 4-storeys high building.

it was 3 before..

but malaysian student ramai sangat,

they add up another level.

really, they can do that in india :)

this is what i call holiday

2011-08-29T00:09:00.003+08:00

doing pretty much nothing now.

having the perfect holiday.

and by that, i mean,

online, reading novels and newspapers,

*yes newspapers cuz i've been neglecting them in india*

*gonna spend hours on that long serious columns*

watching tv, catching up with friends,

hanging out with the brothers,

eating and more reading :)

and yes, definitely good music. thanks to guitarist.

though i dont really have anyone to text to this hols,

except the casual boring one with guitarist,

but some remarks n hellos are being told in my prayers

and i know, it'll be told and felt :)

------------

and owh, spending time with nenek.

is this how it feels like to have a grandma?

pardon me, it's my first time after almost 15 years.

she's the ohsem-est ever! why u may ask?

cuz she's up-to-date;

she knows everything on tv and papers,

she loves sushi at her first try!

she ate cadbury n daim with no worries,

she jokes around a lot.

she kept reminding me to hang my baju kurung. hee

and i learn to love her :)

alhamdulillah. bliss.

i have had a great raya last year with him.

and this year, i know i'll have a great raya with my new family.

pak ngah is funny. sykin is comel.

n i have more to learn bout the others.

auntie n dady too.

have a great and blessful raya everyone.

especially to you over there with the handsome baju melayu.

nomad

2011-08-26T11:04:00.003+08:00

was showering when i thought of it.

i'm a nomad.

nomad :

no·mad (nmd)

1. A member of a group of people who have no fixed home and move according to the seasons from place to place in search of food, water, and grazing land.

2. A person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer.

-----------

i write too much. way too much.

definitely, obviously, without doubt,

it is from emotion. the deepest one.

the one i dont personally share.

i dont know where to channel

since my home went away.

no, this is not about how i miss my home.

i know it's there. just i lost the address to it.

or possibly my home shifted itself to a new place.

so that's one thing i need to figure out.

i need a map.

but to get that map,

i need to find me. the whole me.

they're around. i know they are.

the 6 characters, who will show me the way.

though it ain't gonna work if i keep resisting.

i fight, i yelled, i cried with those six.

then i shut myself in my bubble.

im so used to be alone in my home,

i pushed people out.

i need to find me, to get to my home.

what happened today was significant.

i have a lot of fear.

and i know i need to overcome them.

that's why i write. way too much.

maybe i need a Dr. Sullivan of my own.

but she went missing, now i need to find her too.

p/s : im starting to miss manipal, my bubble. big shiny bubble. cuz there, i can ignore and avoid.

lemony snickety #7 at one go

2011-08-26T04:19:00.004+08:00

it's pure boredom now. and bottled emotions.

nothing is productive except for the reunion and

working on friend's narrative and report.

------------

"There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself." — Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

------------

"At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey. - Lemony Snicket

------------

"Today was a very cold and bitter day, as cold and bitter as a cup of hot chocolate, if the cup of hot chocolate had vinegar added to it and were placed in a refrigerator for several hours."

— Lemony Snicket

------------

"Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said." — Lemony Snicket (The Hostile Hospital)

------------

it's a collective of quotes that are somehow related to each other.

in what way, go figure.

so many things in mind

that are better kept alone than spilling.

i write too much. way too much.

keep silence too much, way too much.

but some people smoke, way too much.

and some people shop or eat, way too much.

different acts but with one aim.

either to cope, forget, avoid or ironically

fishing for attention.

the best there is : ORION : Seseri 2004-2006

2011-08-25T02:15:00.003+08:00

so this was last year, somewhere mid august 2010,

at Nando's MidValley Megamall.

the initial plan was to call all bakerara-ria. hee.

but what the heck, the more the merrier :)

-----------

then, it sort of became an annual thing.

today, 24th august 2011 at Empire Mall, Subang.

5 years after Seseri, ORION is still the same.

loud, wacky, beautiful, pretty, sneaky and devious as always.

-----------

a little cheer for old times sake perhaps.

ORION...!!! hek-hek

remember how we always do the cheer before night prep?

to boost our spirit to study for SPM.

we have the best Under One Roof project :)

-----------

S for the S for the S-E-S

E for the E for the E-R-I

S-E-S... E-R-I

GO SESERI!!!

p/s : let's just pray there will be more of this in the future :)

lost in transition

2011-08-25T00:43:00.002+08:00

To love without condition, to talk without intention, to give without reason and

to care without expectation. This is the art of true relationship.

going back to the apartment yesterday, standing alone in the elevator, i felt ur presence :(

prologue of malaysia

2011-08-23T14:06:00.004+08:00

yes, Malaysia is thaat great till it took most of my time. not that im really doing anything. mostly catching up with friends. haven't go out anywhere yet. walking 50metres periphery from where im staying now. im waiting for my brothers to come back from school n college :D

trying to meet up with friends but a week before raya, every one is busy. so hopefully can meet them before they fly back and start college.was spending the whole nite with ammar. talking. about a lot of things. then we went sahur.

on another note, i met auntie. she came over n i gave her the saree n jersey that azhar asked for. and yes, a white kurta for you to wear to the mosque. i know, another one, but u'll love it. so that's a start of malaysia.

p/s : dont be sad when u dont have anyone who understand you now. there's someone who is meant to be your better halves, and you'll meet he/she. he/she i there, waiting :)

always have, always do, always will

2011-08-20T23:43:00.004+08:00

it's all mixed up. sad, happy, mad, longing.

this is what it's meant to be.

im just gonna go home and start a new phase.

i've finished the first leg, starting another.

at a place so close yet unfamiliar.

i know they're waiting cuz im closer now.

still, im waiting for something so distant.

it's the end of where we started.

our journey together on our separate ways.

little that i know at the end of it,

we remain separated.

it is what it is, it is what we have now.

but some things remain,

cuz i wanna look back and remember,

why it started, why it lasted.

Today was just one of those days where, everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they reminded me of the one thing I dont have..

lembu patah tanduk

2011-08-20T04:14:00.005+08:00

i cant quite figure out what is the best title for this post.

but all i know, im missing this brown cow,

a soft toy, more like a small pillow, so much.

we go way way beyond my stay in india.

i had it since INTEC during my foundation program.

i know this seems childish, but this one particular thing,

holds the deepest memory there is.

.with a biology book in intec.

it has no name. i randomly called it lembu leper. wasnt that thin when i first got it. but countless time being thrown into the laundry shrinked it. it was indeed a present. from aussie boy. dont know where it came from but it came with a big bar of chocolate. enough to make the chocoholic me smile from ear to ear.

since that, it followed me almost every where i go; sleepover at my cousin's, balik kampung, semester holiday, Genting Highlands with my friends, study room, camping, my india trip; delhi-agra-jaipur-kashmir-amritsar and some i dont even remember.

i was never a kid who grew up with a teddy bear. i have countless of them of all sizes n colours. being the only girl, i can have anything i want. teddy bears, barbies dolls, make up set, name it. but, i just dont like them. so they end up being given away to the needy. i know at least someone will appreciate them.

.with chaurasia anatomy book in india.

but this flat cow, i somehow grew attached to it. my close friend knew how im so fond of it. it's the only thing that helps me sleep. you see, i'm a late-induced insomniac, meaning i have difficulties in falling asleep. it'll take hours for me to doze off. so what i did was, i took this flat cow and put it on my face. the slight pressure it gave put me to sleep. magic. that's what i call it. since then, it became a habit for me.

.in the train to delhi.

.at the airport before boarding to kashmir.

.in the air plane.

.at kashmir.

so it became one of my important things when i was flying to india. i even took it touring around india. that's when i decided to do a snapshot of it at every place im staying. had so many memories with it.

the best one will definitely be the time when the airport security guard tried to confiscate it. he said it doesnt have any tag so i needed to scan it thru under the xray machine. it was scanned with the rest of my bags at the immigration so why the hell do i need to do it again? i got pissed, grabbed it from the guard and yelled "this thing has bom inside it!" he gave me the look. owh well, i ignored him and made my way to the air plane. till today i dont know why was he being so suspicious over a toy. not like im smuggling anything -.-

.in sydney, with it's new friend elmo.

then last september, the brown cow made it's way to sydney for student exchange program with elmo. and i got myself a new cow. a blue one and a donkey. but im not really fond of it cuz it's bulky and i cant put it on my face when im going to bed. though donkey is my new favourite.

.donkey reading microbiology.

.the blue cow and donkey.

i did mention to him that i wanted the brown cow back but i have to wait till he's back in msia to re-exchange them, which i dont know when. i know it's silly. but going back to msia without it, feels like my journey isn't complete. some people grow out of their affection for plush toys, some don't, perhaps im the latter. though im not thaatt chronic. ahh no point justifying myself. but for the past one year, my wall post pictures were of this cow, so that must have meant something to me rite?

----------

i guess im just being emotional over things.

i care bout those tiny weenie things.

those things that people overlooked,

but actually means a lot.

my nature i guess. im a lot of random things.

p/s : inianwarhadi is replying my tweet frequently. how cool is that. ok maybe im a jakun. but blergh, i dont care :)

something for the 16th

2011-08-15T05:10:00.002+08:00

wrote an article for the magazine and my friend, alia, helped me to design this.

it's a travelogue of my one week adventure in sydney.

how i miss it so much.

----------

special thanks to my girls ; ezzi, ainul, fika, echa, min n zetty

thank you to tom and my tour guide, aussie boy.

thank you for picking me up at the airport

bring me to the beautiful places,

rushing to the hospital at 2am,

looking after me when i was sick,

feed me with delicious food,

keep me strong when i was weak,

for still making it fun and worthwhile

even though it's such a short visit.

lemony snickety #6

2011-08-14T12:43:00.003+08:00

crap 1.

crap 2.

crap 3.

crap 4.

crap 5.

feels like this is one huge procrastination.

"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it." — Lemony Snicket (The Carnivorous Carnival)

------------

feel like deleting this blog

it's been here for so long

started for the same reason why it lasted till now

i wish i can be Houdini

disappear when necessary

down 1.

down 2.

down 3.

down 4.

down 5.

------------

sigh

anyone wanna continue reading this junk?

1425 checklist

2011-08-13T20:21:00.004+08:00

.fossil wallet.

good luck card

spf 50 sunscreen,

banana boat lip balm,

50ml adidas perfume

sydney guide book

lembu biru

.brown leather wallet.

black self-made 'the' notebook

nicholas spark's the notebook

green baju melayu top

maroon pashmina scarf

khaki hand glove

manipal university tshirt

.brown leather watch.

pierre cardin greyish blue wallet

black leather belt

a container of kuih raya

elmo

handmade photo album

card

.one week letters.

.one huge birthday card.

.a slice of chocolate indulgence.

.one cd.

.g2000 lilac shirt.

.g2000 skinny tie.

grey cardigan

dark brown casual leather belt

printed shirt

tshirt

a container of kuih raya

the bestfriend i miss on the 11th

2011-08-12T03:09:00.004+08:00

this time around i was aware. this time around i anticipated the 12th. no valid reasons why i was waiting for it. just the thrill of doing a countdown i guess. so happy 11th i guess. and yes, 3.10 too.

the day went practically fun. i went shopping with my two group mates, sepet n yop. helped them to pick up few formal pants. though that reminded me of our very own shopping session last year. i think i owe you few shirts cuz the last head count i did, it was 6 to 4.

it seems that we've been talking bout each other more than we realized. though the medium was different, i personally think it's sincere. maybe she reminded you of me. maybe that's what she wanted but still i was the one who's being referred to.

owh well, that doesn't mean anything does it. who would miss a chatterbox like me? :)

-----------

whenever you feel like it's different inside, like no one really know you, there will always be this one girl, at the other corner of this earth, who knows you well like the back of her hands.

-----------

honestly, i miss my bestfriend.

apples on the top

2011-08-09T22:09:00.003+08:00

it really is easy to fool other people with your smile :)

-----------

girls are like apples on trees. the best ones are at the top of the tree.

the boys dont want to reach the good ones because

they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

instead,

they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

so the apples at the top think that something is wrong with them,

when in reality, they are amazing.

they just have to wait for the right boy to come along,

the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

(from someone's tumblr 2011)

-----------

im lucky that it's one sided.

but what if the caterpillar realized,

that someday they need each other?

what will happen to the other apple?

untouched, rotten on the top or join the other apples down below?

living ligature #1

2011-08-08T21:08:00.005+08:00

it's 20 minutes to breaking the fast. dont know what's on menu for today. so i just rang the restaurant and ordered randomly. i really have issues with food. so choosy. ergh. sometimes i hate myself for being one. today isn't as productive as i wish, wait i didn't wish for it to be. i just want Monday to fly fast, heck, i want the days to fly fast so i can go back Malaysia. i'm having mixed feelings nowadays but i know most of the time i wanna go to phase II of my life, so i've called it. was sleepy the whole day. im not sure why but i figured it must be the conversation i had last Saturday nite. it kept me awake for hours. i hate the outcome of that conversation. it reminded me of so many things i wish to forget but she just couldn't let me. haih.

but maybe the mastectomy i watched today was the highlight of my dull sleepy day. she was 3 months pregnant, diagnosed with breast carcinoma on the left side, early 30's with only slight atypia on FNAC but to prevent further complication, they decided it's best to do modified radical mastectomy. i was amazed to see the structures i learned 2 years ago in the dissection hall lay beautifully on the surgery table. the surgeon explained and asked questions, knocking our two hemispheres to spit out the right answer. hmm. in the end, the surgery went well.

rushing to get the bus taking us back to manipal, i saw the surgeon talking to the patient's family, showing the removed breast tissue, explaining to them the conditions and probable complications if the cancer metastasized. then it occurred to me. i didn't just watch a breast tissue being cut off from patient. i witnessed a mother losing one side of her important organ; the organ that represents womanhood, a nutritional source for the baby's growth and development, a cosmetic part of the body that boost our confidence (for the woman of course). the sullen face of the patient's relative; the distinctive look on the mother-in-law face and the worry of the husband, they screamed louder than one could actually do, literally.

i should sweep my problems under the carpet. it's nothing compared to this. god's power is beyond imagination. HE showed me something bigger when im too caught up with my own world. HE showed me that my HIS mean, anything is possible. that lady detected the lump early before it could deteriorate any nearby structures. i don't dare to imagine what would happen to the baby and the mother if the cancer spreads. i couldn't imagine the sorrows the husband has to dwell if anything happen to his loved ones.

indeed life is a living ligature. most of the time, it doesn't allow us to breath freely; suffocating us with assortment of tests and trials. but god gave us strength to go through life. HE doesn't test us if HE knows we are incapable of overcoming it. no matter how hard life pushes us, ironically we tend to grow stronger and better each time we fall down, with a constant reminder in mind that it could be even worse without HIS guidance. living ligature or not, as long a you're breathing in this world, you yourself has meet victory.

p/s : i wish and pray for that mother and fetus to be healthy through out the pregnancy. as cliche as it sounds, there are people out there, who suffers more than we do. true, no one can truly understand the problems we are going thru, but at least, to know what we are dealing with is a fractions of what they are going thru, it'll help us to be thankful and grateful over the things we have.

p/p/s : alas, something on living ligature.

run #2

2011-08-06T02:22:00.006+08:00

Dear Alex,

i had to go. maybe someday i can tell you the reason why i left. but not now. not when you still hate me. be strong alex. i know you can even though im not around. and.. i love you...

-----------

and the letter stopped there. for the hundredth time sara tried to write more, she couldn't seem to complete it. she wanted to explain her doings but no words are capable of that. so she stayed quiet. sara knew she's a coward. a coward for running away, for choosing the easiest way out, pretending that everything is going to be alright. a vocal person like her became literally mute. now she realized that things are taking their toll on her. everything is incomplete without alex. she threw away the paper and stopped her tears from streaming down again.

-----------

"you know that you complete me sara?"

"i know"

"don't beam, i hate it when you do that"

"well that's a compliment isn't it?"

"that's just a statement"

"still, you mean it, rite?"

"i do. i dont know what made me said that, but it felt true, at least that's what i thought"

"alex, what we have are mutual. and i feel the same way u feel. but are you really sure of what you feel?"

"well sometimes, if words can't convince you, you have to listen with your eyes"

"listen with your eyes?"

"hahaha, i'll explain that later. come lets go for a walk"

"sigh.. ok then. maybe one day you can explain"

oh alex, you can be one weird person sometimes. sara can't help but to do a mind check every time alex starts saying something deep. questioning is this really her? but alex is always the fun one and sara is the meticulous one. well maybe the lightness of her personality shouldn't be linked proportionally to her way of thinking. sara always tells herself that when these peculiar moments arrive.

"oy, you coming or not?"

"oh, sorry. was thinking a bit"

"i told you, listen with your eyes. dont analyze too much or your brain will explode"

"alright, alright. come let's race to that fountain there. one, set..."

from afar sara watched alex run her lungs out. it's funny, even so they are different sets of people, they fit in just perfectly.

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“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

sometimes the lesson learnt

2011-08-04T15:20:00.003+08:00

what on her playlist now is the 21 album. silly to think that she has already pass that phase but actually not and still entangles in that maze of complex confusion. from my observation, she showed variant of emotions, screaming to come out; unknown of it's originality cuz all are exiting her body at one same constant, complicate her already ridiculously complicated self. chill woman. it'll all fall perfectly according to the plan engineered by the mastermind. it's a matter of time. but she resents the time. it's one thing she couldn't cope with. it made her feel insignificant. like she doesn't matter. man, this girl has serious issues. i tried to help as much as i can but it's hard for one to advise such rebellion soul. there's always an extend to everything. and i know i have came to that limit. now she's all by herself.

lemony snickety #5

2011-08-03T03:36:00.004+08:00

it's self explanatory much

------------

"It is a curious thing, but as one travels the world getting older and older, it appears that happiness is easier to get used to than despair. The second time you have a root beer float, for instance, your happiness at sipping the delicious concoction may not be quite as enormous as when you first had a root beer float, and the twelfth time your happiness may be still less enormous, until root beer floats begin to offer you very little happiness at all, because you have become used to the taste of vanilla ice cream and root beer mixed together. However, the second time you find a thumbtack in your root beer float, your despair is much greater than the first time, when you dismissed the thumbtack as a freak accident rather than part of the scheme of a soda jerk, a phrase which here means "ice cream shop employee who is trying to injure your tongue," and by the twelfth time you find a thumbtack, your despair is even greater still, until you can hardly utter the phrase "root beer float" without bursting into tears. It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it."

- Lemony Snicket (The End)

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we got accustomed to the things we dear.

then it becomes more of a routine. bland. boring.

and we start looking for something new.

something intriguing. spicy. adventurous.

and BAMM!

then we swear never to stray again.

but it's being repeated. repeated. repeated.

and repeated. and repeated. again and again.

such sting. who could resist?

owh well.

the homo sapiens, just like other living beings.

startled to every surprises there is. despair is definitely one of it.

p/s : just maybe going thru the stings repeatedly are not as bad if it's worth it. in the end, there wil be adaptation, no?

the 1st on the 1st

2011-08-02T03:35:00.004+08:00

may i'll be under YOUR guidance during this whole one month. i know i screwed up bad last year that's why i need to be a better me this year. i regret every single thing i've done; being so forgetful and impulsive, by means, cant stop myself from wanting something that i can control but such effort are never given. im sorry we both are dragged into it. but true indeed, there are some that i dont regret and dont mind repeating. doa is the only thing i have now. truthfully, hopefully, YOU know what lies deep inside me. im still searching, praying that one day i'll find what i need and be content with it. i miss you lots. miss them deeply. but im no longer a part of it.

-------------

"we had magic, but this is tragic"

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p/s : some dates and moments are still very dear to me so pardon for the emotional roller coaster. celebrating the first of ramadhan in the month of august with clear weather, is a blessing from HIM. iftar with a group of people that means so much to me, that completes everything.

the past and upcoming ramadhan.

2011-07-30T23:43:00.003+08:00

exchanging verses from the quran when they were away. reminding each other every day. few weeks after that, they went to the bazaar together. bought loads of food to fulfill the hungry taste buds, away from malaysia being the main reason. break fast together like one big happy family. indeed, it felt like home. went to the mosque to perform terawih together. dapat jalan balik sama2 and salam each other. bought groceries, cooked together, sahur and bukak puasa sama2 almost every day. it really felt complete. i miss that. deeply. may this year will be better than last year though it isnt the same anymore. for the both of us.

welcome back ramadhan. may we become the better half than what we used to be. for you and for me. and for the rest of us. sometimes i wish to turn back the time. but i know. it's not possible.

make you feel my love

2011-07-29T18:41:00.002+08:00

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

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“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

content three letter words

2011-07-27T20:44:00.003+08:00

the classical three letter words i constantly say to those who means the world to me. you, you, you and you. and yes, you too.

the moment that small dot turned green and made sound, i smiled. i was reminiscing again last nite before sleep, trying to figure out why certain things happen, the significance and the outcome. some are not clear, some are, some are ready to be let go but some remain as hope. it's a long way till i can finally make out why god has planned my journey this way and not the other. i always thought that i had the roughest year of all, 2011 that is, but then i realized some of my friends had to go thru things that are worse than me. so i should be thankful. really really thankful. cuz they became my courage and i somehow became theirs, well maybe. i dont know. but to hiedayah, amy, jazli, dzaquan and ammar, this is for u guys.

early this year, i always questioned why im going thru all these bad things. why things dont go as i plan. it was perfect last year so why cant it be that too again? now i realized that i cant be greedy. god give me what i need and not what i want all the time. may be this is what we both need now. cuz HE loves us and HE still cares. imagine if HE forgets us. that would be devastating wont it? so we learn to love ourselves, better, before we love another, perhaps each other again.

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“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle;

you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

------------

when you view things this way, u'll realized you'll be smiling for the smallest reasons . so people will frown and look at you one kind, but meh, who cares. as long as you're happy. hmm. my writings do reflect my emotions. it's not always dark, double meaning and complicated, it can be happy and simple like this post. lengthy though. lol. ahh screw it. at times when i feel happy and blessed, that means i AM happy and blessed.

so IWroteThisForYou made me fall in love with it again. countless time. when i needed something to keep me going, a simple visit there made me blooms again. yes im a romantic. just deal with it. so today, it's this one ;

The Rose Tinted Glasses, July 25th, 2011 (link here)

You reach a certain age

where you learn how to walk through a crowded party

without stepping on anyone's feet.

You reach a certain age

where you learn how to wear the skin you've been given.

You reach a certain age

where you can look at your relationships to other people

completely objectively. Apparently.

-------------

some of the readers also contribute to the poem :

You reach a certain age when you can look back and say thank you for the time we spent. Memories will never fade away from the heart.
You also reach an age where you learn to stop, take a look around and SEEK the beauty in everything around you.
You reach a certain age, when you realize that someone is always there for you. Only for fate to take them away. Still, you keep waiting. Hoping, that one day you'll wake up and it'll all be alright.

impromptu

2011-07-27T19:17:00.003+08:00

"num 1? absent, 2? absent, 3? absent"

"they're in the second bus sir"

"4? HERE!!"

"ok now you take history from this patient"

"..err *dammit. screw you people for taking the second bus*.. ok sir -.-"

and that's how i was selected to do history taking from the patient in surgery ward. definitely it made me startled a bit cuz in previous postings, we usually took our own sweet time taking history. today, on the other hand, i have to do it in front all of my friends and the professor. gaah.

even the professor can detect i wasnt really confident at start. i always talk in a low tone when im off my guard. and boy, he has higher expectations as we finished our medical posting way way way back. he even offered me to speak in malay if im not comfortable speaking in english. erk?! i dont think i have english proficiency problem sir. owh well, baik buat je.

so the presenting symptoms was pedal edema n tortuosity of the veins. great. out of all things, it's the one that i constantly forget. i forgot what causes bilateral n unilateral edema, i forgot what's the etiology for generalized and localized edema, i forgot important question to ask for filariasis. blank. i mean, i do remember some of the common things but forgetting all those important stuff slowed down my history taking. and yes, a vague history to refer to for a differential diagnosis.

"a good physician always asks good history.

and he can diagnose without touching the patient"

haaiiih. im far far away from good. not even moderate. lucky during general examinations, the signs elicited are clear. first time i managed to see a pitting edema! small thing, i know. but it never fails to amaze me. so it turns out that the patient has left side lymphoedema and varicose veins. my friends helped a lot in prompting me and of course the professor too :)

so that was me, struggling with my first impromptu history taking. i learnt my lesson. i have to start reading. reading properly and not lazily. i wanna be one of those doctors, better, a physician, who can diagnose very well with minimal contact. yes, examinations are important but all the doctors that taught us always say, good history is crucial. i suppose i should start making my way to it. gotta put more effort.

"clinical postings are the times you can do mistakes.

do as many as you please, but NEVER in real set up."

------------

so in conclusion ladies and gentlemen :

Life is like riding a bicycle.

To keep balance you must keep moving. (Albert Einstein)

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p/s : i know it's pretty boring to read me writing a personal reminder for myself to continue learning and reading. owh well, im a major procrastinator. so reminder is a must. and maybe you do to? hee.

lemony snickety #4

2011-07-25T00:33:00.002+08:00

"Taking one’s chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck." — Lemony Snicket

-----------------

you're the one chance i never regret taking.

maybe i should borrow the plastic duck to you,

you know, for protection perhaps?

run #1

2011-07-24T23:08:00.005+08:00

"Nothing is faster than the speed of thought.

I can look at anything and think of you."

-------------

in the middle of the hassle, Alex felt at lost. colorful characters were chattering selfishly, busy with their every day routine. something was obviously missing. it's been a week and Alex couldn't quite figure out what. all she needed was herself back but that too failed her. Alex knew she needed change. in what way, she wasn't sure. she tried blocking those thoughts and voices but they became charms in her head, repeating themselves, mocking her...

this should stop. she is so sure it should. but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop thinking bout Sara. what they've been through together. if only Sara is with her again. how much she misses her.

And I promise you I'll hold your hand back.

I'll sit back and enjoy it.

I'll laugh at lightning.

I'll giggle at thunder.

I'll drink raindrops.

I'll lean into the wind.

I'll see the sun come out.

And one day, I'll cry for a storm that's passed, never to come again.

(IWroteThisForYou, June 22, 2011)

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you've been the only thing that's right.

even if you cannot hear my voice, i'll be right beside you deep.

ultimate favourite

2011-07-22T04:13:00.006+08:00

u see that purple sneakers down there? that's my ultimate favourite. i've always been a sneakers person though i dont have that many of collections. in fact, it'll be the same one over and over again till they expires.

adding some odd colours to your attire wont hurt i guess. more of a brave and confident gesture. that's what i call fashion statement. just abide by the simplicity rule and dont go overboard with them.

too much of everything is just an eye sore. hee.

colours light me up. loud colours define me.

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p/s : if you happen to see this doctor on loose, sent a warning stat!!

she can scare the hell out of the patient.

tak pasal2 kene resuscitate patient pulak :)

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p/p/s : im back on track with life. alhamdulillah. bubbly-ness level graded 6 out of 10. mastering monopoly deal really well now. lol. cherishing every moment left in manipal.

the newly applied motto : LIFE'S SHORT, GO CRAZY!!

lemony snickety #3

2011-07-19T21:59:00.002+08:00

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." - Lemony Snicket

memories are always reproducible. so hang in there :)